The Road Less Traveled...

  I'd like to speak with you today about something that isn't discussed as openly as it should be.  I'll present it the best way I know how... from experience. I hope you find it beneficial.

  A few weeks ago I experienced a full blown panic attack, mixed with an internal "breakdown", and "rebuilding" process. For the many who experience or have experienced these you are already familiar with the weight of those moments/times.  I was drowning underneath the weight of other peoples expectations of me. It was as though the person that I knew, and recognized as "me" was vanishing, and it surely felt that way. However, upon closer investigation at that time I realized that what was leaving, or falling away from me... was actually the parts of myself that I used to identify with these expectations of those around me. (and in some cases those from my past.) 
 
  Once this realization had occurred I began to feel the weight slowly lift from my chest. It still hurt to breathe. It still hurt to feel, but I was able to more clearly see what was happening... for what it was. And THAT is a very important thing. I find that most people miss out on this step. Why is it so much easier for us to view the truth of a situation that someone else is going through, but neglect to see it within ourselves? I suppose it's because when we see an issue outside of ourselves it's easier to find a solution to it without getting our emotions involved (after all it isn't our problem to deal with), but when we are going through something inside it is impossible to be impartial to it.
 
  Since my youth I have always been very particular about being openly candid, and honest with myself- about myself. After all... I'm the only "me" I'm going to get. Though this isn't something I've yet to achieve 100% of the time; it is a promise I made to myself long ago, and thus try to practice it daily. So once those pieces started falling away, and I was able to regain my breath... I then began to look around within at what was coming off, and what was still there.  For example: I happen to be able to make almost any kind of craft item. Over the years of my life many people both close, and acquaintance have commented on how talented and fortunate I am to have such a gift. In my mind I began to feel that somehow; since I am able to make all these things; that it was in some way my responsibility to continue making ALL of those things. (After all it would bring happiness to so many other people, and who doesn't want to bring joy to others?)- That's the line I told myself to keep myself going. Making many things because it felt "expected" of me... not necessarily because I continued finding joy in it myself.

  So in that moment of looking around within myself I realized... this has. to. stop.  I could not, and would not continue swimming underneath the weight of other peoples expectations of me. I needed to find what made me happy. What things brought the most joy into my life, heart, mind, soul, and I needed to DO those things. The change needed to start right then. I knew that the people in my life who truly matter, and who truly care about me... would not see me as less, or be upset, or look down on me for making these choices. Even though it meant letting go of some of their dreams for me; to follow my own. Because ultimately they care about my happiness, safety, and well being... more than any of these things I was letting go of.

  I began by writing down a list of what things are the most important to me. Then the things that bring me the most happiness. (Getting to this point for anyone is great! However taking it a bit further will help you to become even more proactive in your own life, and help with the healing/ rebuilding process.) Once my list was in place I then looked at each category, and wrote something next to it on how to achieve it regularly. Looking back on it every now and then to keep updated with myself.

  It's been about three weeks now, and I still have anxiety almost daily. There are still habits, and mind-sets I'm working to change. I check in with myself almost daily, and take time to sit quietly when I can or need to. Even with the progress made I must be continually proactive with it. That might sound like more work, but I find it much easier to focus on the things that bring joy than in doing the things that do not. *This is not to say that I shirk off my responsibilities. After all I am a wife, and mother of four. That in its own at times is the greatest challenge in my life, but they also bring the greatest happiness.* There is a balance to all things, and I'm trying every day to find it.  One of the things I've been working on to bring more peace, balance, and happiness is to down size. I really enjoy the freedom of a minimalist life style; though that was not how I was raised. I started working toward that goal a few years ago, and decided the other week that it was time to step it up a bit, and focus more... on having less. Not the easiest goal with a family of six, but TOTALLY worth it!  My anxiety is lower when the house is clean, and organized. I'm able to think more clearly, and better enjoy the day with the tasks ahead.

  This is where I'm at today. Still working on being ok. Doing the happy things to lower the anxiety, and clearing unneeded things out of the house to create a better space for myself, and my family. There is no "easy fix" for life, and its challenges. But there is hope, and there are those able, and willing to help you work through your trials. I too have received much needed help, and encouragement from both loved ones, and strangers along the way.
You are not alone! You are loved! You are worth it!

I hope you all enjoy your day!

~ Amy Young/ Willow Rock Creations